I’ve been trying to get pregnant for 7 years. 7 years! That’s a long time right? I won’t take you through the ups and downs of the numerous losses, the failed fertility attempts, the invasive surgery and the relationship stress. The fact is – trying to get pregnant can be an emotional nightmare for some, and it was for me.
The Test Was Positive!
The day I found out I was pregnant (April 6th, 2017), I couldn’t be happier. The emotional and physical struggles, the invasive procedures and the 7 year struggle was finally worth it! Still apprehensive of course (due to past miscarriages), I promised myself I wouldn’t get excited until June 1st when the magic clock turned 12 weeks. Of course, it’s not exactly a magical point in time, but statistics show that the risk of miscarriage decreases dramatically after 12 weeks.
June 1st came and went (along with the worst nausea I have ever experienced in any of my previous failed pregnancies) and I was still pregnant! Woohoo, I could start sharing my news, designing the nursery, and picking her wardrobe (I had early genetic testing which told me I was having a girl).
My Pregnancy is not Fun
Once I started telling people, moms all commented on how great I would feel, how my hair and nails will grow so fast, how I’ll feel the best I’ve ever felt – essentially how I’ll now turn into a radiant magical unicorn. I’m now 24.5 weeks and I’ve experienced none of this. My junk food cravings have hit the roof and I’ve already gained 30lbs (you’re “supposed” to gain between 25-35 lbs the entire pregnancy). I feel sick and tired constantly. None of this ‘oh when you hit your 2nd trimester, you’ll feel amazing and have all this regained energy. My depression at times takes over my days (no I haven’t decorated my nursery yet or hired a newborn photographer).
On top of the physical side of things, there has been the trauma of 2 hour ultrasounds where the technicians don’t speak to you. Is she still alive I wonder lying there in the most excruciating silence. Multiple ultrasounds with normal / but abnormal results…another story all together. The number of doctors, technicians and specialists I have seen already has been a lot to cope with.
Whenever I hint to someone who asks that I might be struggling a little with my pregnancy, the responses I get are along the lines of “just be positive, it’s a blessing that you’re pregnant”, “but you’ve wanted this for so long” (my personal fave), or how about “you should embrace the changes and kiss crystals”. I could go on. Oh and don’t get me started on random people coming up and touching my belly.
So here is the question I’ve been asking myself these last 6 months. Am I already a bad mom just because I’m struggling with my pregnancy? I came up with a four word answer – Hell to the no! Just because I hate being pregnant (yes I said it out loud) doesn’t mean that I am not counting down the days until I get to meet my princess (I believe SHE is the magical unicorn, not me). It does not mean that I don’t love the person inside me with every being of my heart. It does not mean I’m not thankful every day for allowing this miracle to happen inside of me. All it means is that I don’t like being pregnant and sometimes I may need to express my feelings without judgement. “I feel physically unattractive”, “I feel exhausted”, “I feel depressed”. Allow me (and other women who are not magical pregnancy unicorns) to express our feelings without judgement or advice. That’s all we really need. A safe place to vent and then to move on!